2007 SERMON LIST

Rev. Ann C. Fox
(508) 992-7081
minister@uufairhaven.org

Unitarian Universalist
Society of Fairhaven

Creating Peace with Nonviolent Communication

a sermon by Rev. Ann C. Fox

January 21, 2007

Note: A reading is attached, which you might like to read first

          This sermon is a response to the problem in society that Unitarian Universalists have chosen to study for the next three years: Peacemaking. It is also a timely subject that falls into the categories of Social Justice and Personal Development. Next week, there will be a survey in your Order of Service, on which you can name some topics that you would like to hear as a sermon.

          Many if not most of us come to church because we are spiritual seekers, seekers of truth and understanding. We hope that what we hear may kindle in us something that will help us lead a happier life, be a better person, perhaps make life more meaningful.

          The violent goings on in the community and the world can make us feel angry, frustrated, afraid. We may believe that going to church or having a spiritual practice can provide us a salve to heal the fear. Perhaps we come to church to hear some uplifting message, sing some uplifting hymns, say an uplifting prayer and this might sustain us for a while, but it won’t change us or the world; it will be only a temporary salve. Is there a way of responding to the world that can both help and strengthen us and change us and the world for the better?

          In his book Living Buddha, Living Christ, the monk Thich Nhat Hanh says, “In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.’ To work for peace, you must have a peaceful heart. When you do, you are the child of God. But many who work for peace are not at peace. They still have anger and frustration, and their work is not really peaceful….When we try to overcome evil with evil, we are not working for peace. If you say, ‘Saddam Hussein is evil. We have to prevent him from continuing to be evil,’ and if you then use the same means he has been using, you are exactly like him. Trying to overcome evil with evil is not the way.”

          What then is The Way? All of the world’s religions offer A Way or teachings for us to follow to be a better person and thus make a better world. And all the religions teach that humankind is, at the center, good, kind, compassionate, but that something about living causes us to lose that compassionate center and this is what causes the problems in our world—the lack of compassion in our everyday functioning.

          I have often referred to Buddhism as the psychological religion for I believe that it more than any other gets down to the core of life’s difficulty—suffering. You may not agree with this for after all there is much laughter in life as well as sadness. Buddhism offers an antidote to suffering and that is following the eight-fold path of right thinking, right intention, right speech. right action, and so on. One concept that Buddhism retained from Hinduism (from which it was derived) is non-attachment. Our attachment to things and people causes suffering they say. Other religions have such solutions to our problems, but Buddhism is soooo succinct…. Perhaps it’s time for a Zen Buddhist joke:

Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist? A: Because it comes with attachments.

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa? A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

          I believe that it has taken a modern, western psychologist, Marshall Rosenberg, to offer us a practical and great insight into human suffering and the solution to a lot of it and also a way to contribute to peacemaking. What Rosenberg speaks of is that the mass of feelings we have on an ongoing basis often have at the root of them unmet needs. When we speak out of hurt feelings and unmet needs, we are unable to listen and respond adequately and with empathy. This is the cause of much suffering in our relationships and on a world level as well. When we act out of our suffering or hurt feelings and anger, we are likely to strike out physically or verbally at a person, a community, or a nation, and the result is physical or verbal violence! And it may even result in war. (And perhaps a certain president of our country has led us into war because of his own hurt and anger!)

          If you can think of a time recently when you were angry or hurt you might also detect that you responded to someone out of that anger. I heard on the radio recently someone say how her friend described how she felt when she went to her 8-year old daughter’s room and became angry because it was a complete mess and this was after they had had a long talk about keeping her room tidy. As the day wore on, the woman thought of all the things her daughter did to oppose her and got angrier and angrier. By the time her daughter came home from school, in her fury, the woman hardly saw the child as her wonderful little girl learning to grow up and she screamed at the child. This mother may not have communicated adequately to her daughter her own need to have an orderly house. Imagine growing up in a house where a parent is always screaming at you and you hardly know what you have done.

          If we are angry or hurt, the other person has not hurt us; it is our response to what the other person has done or said that has caused the hurt. In other words, we cause our own hurts by our response and our unmet needs. We can choose to be not hurt but instead inquire into what makes us feel hurt.

          If we are to be peacemakers, we must find a way to communicate our feelings and the underlying unmet needs and be able to listen with empathy to the other person and not BLAME. Now this takes a lot of practice and work. Marshall Rosenberg has developed a way of communicating that he calls NVC (non-violent communication). He gives us an example of when he went to a mosque to present Nonviolent Communication. He said, “[I was in a Refugee camp] in Bethlehem to [talk to] about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. [When he entered, he noticed that they were whispering amongst themselves. Suddenly, in the middle of his talk, a man jumped up and screamed] ‘Murderer!’ Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus: ‘Assassin! Child killer!’ Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way to the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words ‘Made in the U.S.A.’ I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel. I addressed the man who had called me a murderer: [This is some of the conversation]:

Marshall: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently?...

HE: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!

Marshall: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?

HE: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family…? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?” (pp. 13-14, Rosenberg)

          This conversation went on with the man talking for 20 minutes about his pain, about sickness due to open sewers, the lack of playgrounds, and no books in the schools.

          These men could not hear Marshall Rosenberg until they had expressed their unmet needs. He listened to them without blame and with empathy.

          Rosenberg has taught his NVC to many opposing parties, including gangs and police in Detroit and faculty and administrators in universities, and to partners and families just trying to get along. He helped to bring loving communication back into their relationships. At the core of this nonviolent communication (NVC) teaching are several factors that block compassion and one of them is judgment. Marshall reminds us of a biblical teaching from the Gospel of Matthew: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged.” (Matt: 7:1) Here are the major concepts of NVC:

1. Observation, not judgment (or evaluation) and don’t blame. (This will give us the detachment that Buddhism counsels.)
2. Identify feelings. This is so important that Rosenberg gives us 2-1/2 pages of words that are feelings for he says that we often confuse a thought with a feeling. (Some of the list of feelings is printed at the end of this sermon.)
3. Express the need that underlies the feeling.
4. Request what we need to enrich our life (not demand).
5. Listen with empathy. Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. (We avoid giving advice and just listen with empathy.) If there is criticism of us, don’t react to what feels like an attack, but listen and then try to have the other person reflect on what they need from you that they are not getting. When a person’s pain is truly heard, a great deal of tension dissolves.
6. Have empathy for the self. Forgive the self and not judge the self once we have acknowledged regret.
7. Recognize that blaming is a superficial expression of anger and underlying this are unmet needs.

          Let us hear how NVC can operate in a common problem—one person accuses the other of “never listening.” (pp. 95-96, Roseberg) (Note that the following are not the exact words but extrapolated from the book.)

Husband: You never listen to me!

Wife: Are you unhappy with me because you need to be heard?” (Trying to get at what he feels.)

Husband: Yes, I feel hurt when what I say isn’t worthy of your time.

Wife: Okay, try me again. I’m listening.

          Notice that she isn’t responding defensively to her husband’s accusation. She’s just trying to understand fully what’s behind his annoyance.

          This sounds easy but actually it takes practice—lots of it.

          Rosenberg says that when anger is expressed, the first essential thing to do is Stop! Don’t respond right away even if you have to say, “Wait. Let me think.” (Detach from the emotion and tension.) Next, take a guess at what is underlying the angry statement and phrase your response something like, “Are you needing for me to be quiet while you watch the match?” And keep asking until you get him or her to express the reason. In this way, you can stay in your compassionate center. This is the key—respond to others in a way that keeps you in your naturally compassionate center. This will allow you to continue seeing the other person as having that compassionate center as well. In other words, the divine in you keeps in touch with the divine in the one you’re talking to.

          Will this way of relating to one another really help bring peace? If we work at it, it is bound to change us and those with whom we interact.

          May we practice stopping first before we react to an angry comment and reflect upon what the person feels he or she needs from us and may we try to have a conversation about these deeper things so that compassion can abide.

References

The following informed and inspired this sermon:

Hanh, Thich Nhat. Living Buddha, Living Christ, New York, N.Y.: Riverhead Books, 1995.
Rosenberg, Marshall B., Ph.D. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Encinitas, CA: 2006.

List of Feelings from p. 43
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall, B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Reading: “Words are Windows (or They’re Walls)

From Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press, 2003

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I’ve got to know
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?
Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.

—Ruth Bebermeyer

© The Rev. Ann C. Fox

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