Rev.
Ann C. Fox
(508) 992-7081
UFairhaven@aol.com
Unitarian Universalist
Society of Fairhaven
Coping with Loss in Community
a sermon by Rev. Ann C. Fox
March 11, 2007
Note: A reading is attached, which you might like to read first.
It is unusual for us to change the topic of the sermon, but then it is unusual for us to lose two “pillars of the church” on the same day within hours of one another as we lost Joan Boucher and Rachel McGowan two days ago. So instead of speaking on a Unitarian heroine, Dorothea Dix and her great contribution in the 19th century to the treatment of the mentally ill, we will remind ourselves the of human experience of loss and grief in human life and how we can cope. We will certainly look at Dorothea Dix at another time.
It is a marvelous thing to be able to join together in coping with loss in community. I have said before that people who join together in religious communities are courageous. I say this because we experience the cycle of birth, marriage, graduations, celebrations, illness, death, grief, and renewal more often and more intensely community. As a community, we face more often our relationship to life and the universe, and we come to see that death is in the natural order of things and yet loss of our dear friends is not easy.
It is not only death of a loved one that can cause a sense of loss and grief. Loss of a pet can cause us grief as well. When my daughter’s pet male mouse killed four of the six baby mice, she was very sad indeed. She tenderly nursed the injured ones and I helped her bury the babies in the garden. She used to visit the “grave” often until she was no longer sad.
Life is full of losses and also gains. Getting older and suddenly needing corrective glasses can feel like a loss and yet we may gain in skill and wisdom; having to give up favorite foods to offset diabetes is a loss and yet we gain better health and body awareness; moving away from a community we love can be wrenching and yet a new life can expand our horizons. Like the reading reminded us: all things are impermanent; however we can still value what is and gain from what we learn.
Religion is supposed to help us with life’s tragedies so let’s look at what our Judeo-Christian heritage may have taught some of us. When I was training as a hospital chaplain, I was amazed and horrified to hear a doctor say to the wife of a forty-year old man who had just died in the emergency Room from a massive heart attack, “I’m sorry but we couldn’t save him. It was in God’s hands. He must have been good, because God only takes the good ones who are young.” The wife’s confusion was great and her teen-age children were in shock and I was left to sort it out.
Early Judaism taught that God sends blessings to reward goodness and curses to punish bad behavior. This is reinforced in the story of King David’s affair with Bath Sheba. When their son dies, David sinks into grief and depression and cries for days. Nathan, the prophet, comes to David and tells him that the death of his son is because he caused Bath Sheba’s husband to be killed. This is the eye for an eye philosophy. Fundamentalist Christians and Orthodox Jews still believe that all things are according to God’s judgment and will and the good are rewarded while the bad are punished.
You might remember that Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote a book called When Bad things Happen to Good People following the death of his young son who suffered from the disease called progeria that causes children to age 10 years for every year of their life. The Rabbi says that he used to believe in blessings and curses but came to realize that life is full of random occurrences and God is there to help us through the tragedy. This is the thinking of liberal religionists also. Looking for reasons for life’s losses is not profitable or reasonable.
Other losses that may cause grief are divorce, life threatening illness, reduction in physical abilities, job loss, and many others. But nothing is more devastating than the death of a child or a life partner or a person who has helped to anchor our lives.
What exactly is grief? One expert, (Dr. Alan Wolfelt) says that grief is the mass of emotions that we experience inwardly. We must embrace the pain in order to lessen the hurt; then we must mourn the loss. Mourning is the outward expression of grief. If we do not embrace the grief and mourn the loss, the burden can become unbearable and might even make us ill. A bereaved person can benefit from rituals like participating in or attending a memorial service, visiting a grave site, going to places that meant something special to them, and having a cluster of photos displayed at home. All these things provide linkages to the loved one. In our religion, we begin this healing process by having a Celebration of Life service.
Our society is rather uncomfortable with grief and mourning. We might be judged weak if we express emotion. We are admired for our strength if we do not express emotion. Do you remember how admirable people said Jackie Kennedy was when her husband was killed? She later reported that she was under the influence of various drugs. When C.S. Lewis’ beloved wife died, he wrote, “An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet….”
Often, people will advise the bereaved to get busy to get away from the pain and I have seen my friends do this naturally as their way to handle loss—putting grief on the “back burner” so to speak. Others want us to move away from grief by leaving the home they shared. Experts advise us to move towards grief and embrace it so that we may turn grief into mourning but not to make great changes before we have adequately mourned the loss.
When Gracie Allen died, George Burns said that he slept on Gracie’s side of the bed for three years with the light on. Watching that relationship on their comedy show, I think we can all understand how grieved he must have been. Remember that grief is the inner experience and mourning is the outward expression. I like how Dr. Allen Wolfeldt puts it: “We need to listen to the music of the past, in order to sing in the present, and dance into the future.” When we do this, we can then integrate the loss into our lives. However, this can take time. Many people grieve the loss of a loved one for three years and longer.
Helping those who are grieved: We have raised up that grief and mourning are a mass of inward responses and outward expressions to loss. But what can we do to help our friends who are grieved. Here are a few things [Dear Reader, Note that the following is extensively informed by a UU curriculum by Carol Galginaitis (1999) called the Lessons of Loss: a life-span curriculum on death, dying and loss and many of the words and phrases may be directly from that curriculum.]:
- We should become comfortable with grief by reading articles about it to understand it better. This church periodically offers a series on Grief and Loss.
- The best thing we can do for our grieving friends is to companion them—be there for them, be truly present, with humility.
- Attend calling hours or the memorial service. Call to ask how they are in the weeks that follow. If they want to talk, just listen, listen, listen with your heart.
- Affirm their words.
- It’s okay to shed tears with them to share their mourning.
- Don’t forget them as the weeks and months go by. Remember their anniversaries and holiday celebrations. Write notes and cards.
- Notice whether they need help with cleaning house or cooking meals for sadness can be accompanied by exhaustion.
- Offer to meet them and be prepared to hear the same stories again and again.
- Be open to reports of mystical experiences. Appearances of the deceased are common within the first six months following the death of a loved one. Sometimes the person may just feel the “presence” in the house. Do not judge this. These appearances are a great comfort to the bereaved and we do not know whether these visions are real; we simply do not know.
- Don’t be surprised if the bereaved person experiences sadness, numbness, depression, confusion, yearning, and outbursts of emotion, even panic as the grief comes in waves. If it seems to you that the person is in danger, do suggest that because you care a great deal you wish he or she would see a professional.
Here are a few don’ts:
· Don’t use clichés like: Time heals all wounds.
· Don’t advise them to get busy!
These things just take away their grieving and mourning process. Just walk with them; companion them, in their grief. Finally, when it feels right to you, invite them out to a social occasion—even bring them to church! What a novel idea! Some people will turn to their Faith or their Faith Community. Though prayer and meditation can help, lasting blessing or grace comes through the kindness and caring of people.
The reading on the Buddhist concept of “dukkha” counsels us to understand the impermanence of all things. This view can certainly help us understand loss. However, the caring of community needs to be the vehicle to help the healing while a person integrates the meaning of a deceased person’s role in his or her life. One person said, “Mourning never really ends. But as time goes on, it erupts less frequently.” The community of our friends becomes the means of blessings and grace, a place where we can laugh and cry together because we believe in life and in the strength of love in community.
References
The following have informed and inspired this sermon:
Galginaitis, Carol. The Lessons of Loss: a life-span curriculum on death, dying, and loss for the UU community (an Adult Education curriculum). Copyright Carol Galginaitis, 1999
Wolfelt, Alan D., Ph.D. Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal, Florence, Kentucky: Accelerated Development, Inc., 1992.
“An Understanding of Complicated Mourning: Sudden Death, Disenfranchised Grief and Multiple Loss,” a one-day seminar with Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., March 2002.
“All Is Dukkha”
from Life Tides by Elizabeth Tarbox
“All is dukkha,” say the Buddhists. I am told that dukkha is hard to translate. It means literally ‘suffering,’ but the feeling of dukkha is closer to impermanence; impermanence is central to the Buddhist path to “nirvana,” [which means] enlightenment….
The Buddhist path to enlightenment is understanding and accepting impermanence to the point where we no longer struggle against it. But here in the West we search for that which is permanent even as we live with ceaseless change and uncertainty. We search for a sure footing on the path strewn with fallen leaves; we notice the buds of next year’s growth tightly curled and waiting; we hold on to the things we can count on: our church, our community, our memories of those who died before us, our love and hope, and our search for truth in a world that is dukkha.
Spirit of creation, Goddess of today….let us know that we are alive and being renewed miraculously each second; that the impermanence gives to life its freshness and surprise; that our memories of yesterday and our expectation of tomorrow make now a cherished, precious eternal moment.
© The Rev. Ann C. Fox