Rev. Ann C. Fox
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Unitarian
Universalist
Society of Fairhaven
Forgiveness
a sermon by Rev. Ann C. Fox
February 8, 2009
Note: A reading is attached, which you might like to read first
Has anyone ever hurt you such that you were left with resentment that haunted you for years? Most of us have experienced one or two incidents in our lives that caused us ongoing anger or resentment. Today, Lisa Elliott, our Director of Religious Education, will tell our children a story called “What If Nobody Forgave? The Story of Grudgeville.” The name of that town — Grudgeville — caused me to smile at the memory of the grudge my father carried to his grave towards his elder sister.
My mother told us that when I was two years old, they took me to visit grandma’s house. My father’s older sister unexpectedly visited at the same time with her four-year old daughter who was recovering from whooping cough. A few days later, I came down with whooping cough, which was a very serious illness in those days. Father blamed his sister and said he never wanted to see her again. After this visit, I met my aunt and her daughter twice in my life. The first time was at my father’s funeral. The second was at my mother’s funeral. This had been a great problem for my grandmother for she could never invite the families of both her son and her elder daughter at Easter or Christmas when we all gathered at her house for dinner. Dad also carried a grudge against our next door neighbor and didn’t speak to her for decades and also forbade us to speak to her. I have no idea what the reason was. Even my mother had forgotten. Sometimes, we children would risk sneaking a wave to her.
If you have never held a grudge, do you know someone who has deliberately stopped speaking to someone else for little reason? When the former first lady, Nancy Reagan, was asked in an interview about her daughter, Patti, her eyes filled with tears and she spoke of the pain of estrangement from her daughter. This is such a common experience all over the world that there are novels, short stories, plays, movies, and newspapers articles about it. There are many, many stories of such estrangement in the Bible, especially in the section that many of us know as the Old Testament (and that nowadays we call the Hebrew Bible to be more politically correct). Our Genesis group will soon be reading about the forgiveness stories of Jacob and Esau and also about Joseph and his brothers in the Book of Genesis.
The Jewish religion has at its core an emphasis on being whole with God and in human relationships. Their Hebrew New Year practice of Yom Kippur that takes places around the end of September is one that encourages apology (or atonement—or “at-one-ment”) and forgiveness towards those who are harmed by our actions. In spite of this emphasis on forgiveness, rabbis will tell you that dozens of people come to them yearning to have resolved the pain and torment of estrangement from a child or a brother or a sister or a congregation member. Rabbi Charles Klein relates many of these stories in his book How to Forgive When You Can’t Forget. There is a saying, “It is easier to forgive an enemy that a friend.” The closer we are, the harder it is to forgive.
What is forgiveness? One source says: “Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.” (Wikipedia) Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the preacher who one morning asked the congregation, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” About half of the congregation held up their hands. He then repeated his question. “How many have forgiven your enemies?” This time everyone held up their hands except a very elderly lady. The preacher said, "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." she replied. "I outlived them all!”
Beginning the forgiveness process is as simple as saying, “I’m sorry” to another. The injured person may go on to talk about how it was for them and they may listen carefully to one another and exchange perspectives. They may actually use the words, “I forgive you.” But there are many ways to forgive. In this morning’s reading of Parable of the Prodigal Son, we heard the son say he was sorry and the father kissed him. This was the kiss of forgiveness. While this is a good model for us all, forgiveness can be complicated, especially when more people are involved.
Scholars often say that the Parable of the Prodigal Son should have been called The Parable of Two Sons and Their Father. Perhaps you noticed that this fabulous old story is mostly told either in dialog between the characters or the interior thoughts of the son. We actually hear the awareness growing within the young man. If a Jewish person were to hear this story from the Gospels, he or she would know that he should listen very carefully because the fact that a father divides up his property before his death is completely opposite to custom and even opposite to what is advised in the Bible. Towards the end of the story, we find that the other son is annoyed at the easy forgiveness, especially when he has been so responsible and blameless. We are left at the end wondering whether the stay-at-home son will carry a grudge against the father and perhaps against his brother as well.
How we react to the situations of our lives is a choice. We can choose to hold a grudge. We can choose to let it go. We can choose to forgive when we are in a place of readiness to do so.
All the world’s religions counsel us to not hold a grudge. In Islam, “The Qur'an makes it clear that, whenever possible, it is better to forgive another than to attack another. The Qur'an describes the believers (Muslims) as those who…when angered they forgive. (Qur'an 42:37) and says that…those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by GOD. He does not love the unjust. (Qur'an 42:40)” [Wikipedia] Hinduism counsels forgiveness as a way of growing the soul and resolving life’s lessons.
Buddhism counsels simply to not be attached to holding grudges and to see the oneness of us all. They advise practicing “loving kindness” or metta towards all beings. Some psychologists have called this the “tyranny of oneness” believing that forgiveness and atonement need to be a two-way street. They say that forgiveness without change is dysfunctional and rewards misbehavior. (Wikipedia) Personally, I believe that true understanding, which requires true listening, must be there, at least on the part of one person. I also believe that some people are simply too limited to have the capacity to forgive without good counselling. Therefore, it is better for the one who has the capacity to forgive and do it for his or her own sake if we remember that forgiveness is a kind of “letting go” of the power that resentment can have over us. Forgiveness can be done as a letter or a prayer or some other form of letting go. Good health and happiness require us to let go of our grudges. The line in the Lord’s prayer that says, “And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” is good counsel. This is so obviously a Jewish prayer reminding us that Adonai (or God) always forgives. Rabbi Klein spends much of his ministry with people who desperately want to reconcile usually with family members but sometimes with friends. If they won’t reconcile, at least the person can forgive or let go from his side, perhaps by sending a letter of regret. We never know what will touch another’s heart!
Interestingly, modern psychology paid little attention to forgiveness until the 1980’s. A 1988 Gallup poll found that 94% of Americans felt it was important to forgive, but 84% felt that some outside advice was needed, which shows the difficulty encountered by people who would like to forgive but don’t know how. In 1995, the advice columnist, Ann Landers (who was, by the way, Jewish) wrote about forgiveness in her column and invited readers to write to her about how they wished for forgiveness in one of their relationships. There was such an avalanche of mail that she was moved to establish April 2nd as National Reconciliation Day. Someone even began a United Nations Forgiveness Resolution but all of these efforts came to nothing. And we can see the results of such refusal in the sad state of the world’s affairs.
On the level of our interpersonal relationships, it is well known that people who don’t hold grudges are healthier and happier than those who do. But what do you do when you want to say you’re sorry or ask for forgiveness and the other person cuts you out of his or her life, like my father? Experts tell us that being sorry and being ready to forgive is a “by-product of an ongoing healing process” and a sign of positive self-esteem and maturity. It is “letting go of the intense emotions attached to incidents from the past…and recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, hatred and self-pity….It is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us….It is recognizing that it is time to move on.” (Simon & Simon, pp.18-19)
Experts are also agreed that “forgetting” is not necessary in order to forgive. It is entirely unreasonable to expect that you’ll be able to forget. The saying, “Forgive and forget” is unreasonable and we should forget it. In a nutshell, forgiving is about letting go of the power that a grudge has over us and this allows us to move on and become our best selves.
However, as we have said, forgiving can also be a bit complex. What if someone comes to you and tells you how much they have suffered for what you have done or said and you had no intention whatever of causing such hurt? Now, it might be not helpful to the other person if you respond, “I’m so sorry that you interpreted it that way.” This might seem to make light of his or her suffering and diminish his or her effort to talk to you about it. It might be better to make a quick assessment to see whether the other person is open to talking about it. If you see suffering before you, your saying simply that you are sorry may well relieve his or her suffering without causing you any harm; so why not say you’re sorry even though in your eyes you did no wrong. There may be a time in the future when you can talk more openly. Who is right is of little consequence when the self-esteem of a loved one is at stake. You might have guessed that *I* have had such an experience. I have. It is clearly common for another person to be entirely unaware of how another person experienced a remark or a behavior and therefore I offer you these experiences of my own.
This is a good topic to ponder deeply. You will see all around you people suffering from real or perceived hurts. You will see all around you people wanting to reconcile with others and being denied. Perhaps you are suffering from holding a grudge. My prayer for you is that you find a way to let it go. This very morning, I logged on to AOL and immediately saw an article about the anguish experienced by the actor Jean Claude Van Damm over the estrangement of his 13-year old son. You have heard the saying “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Isn’t this why we are here, to claim and practice our divinity? Yes, of course, it is. At least we could practice apologizing and forgiving amongst ourselves, and then it will be easier to practice it in our families and in the world. Let us lessen our sorrows by talking about them and by offering a listening ear. I offer mine to you if you want it. May we let our grudges go and experience the happiness that is truly and naturally ours.
References
Jampolsky, Gerald G. M.D. Forgiveness, the Greatest Healer of All, Hillsboro, Oregon: Beyond Words Publishers, Inc. 1999.
Klein, Charles. How to Forgive When You Can’t Forget, New York, N.Y.: The Berkley Publishing Corp, 1995.
Simon, Sidney B., Ph.D. and Simon, Suzanne. Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Partner and Get on with Your Life, New York, N.Y.: Warner Books, Inc., 1991.
A
Reading From
Luke 15:11-32,
“The Parable of the Prodigal Son”
The Oxford
Annotated Bible, Revised Standard Version (RSV)
Jesus said, “There was a man who had two sons; and the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that falls to me.’ And he divided his living between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took his journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in loose living. And when he had spent everything, a great famine arose in that country, and he began to be in want. So he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he would gladly have fed on the food that the pigs ate; and no one gave him anything. [Then he understood and] he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants.’
And he arose and went to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; and bring the fat calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; for my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to make merry.
“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come and your father has killed the fat calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me even a goat that I might make merry with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed for him a fat calf!’ And [the father] said to him, ‘Son you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead, and is [now] alive; he was lost, and is found.’”
© The Rev. Ann C. Fox