Rev. Ann C. Fox
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Unitarian
Universalist
Society of Fairhaven
Wanting What We Have
a sermon by Rev. Ann C. Fox
May 3, 2009
Note: A reading is attached, which you might like to read first
Some weeks ago, on a sunny day with a cool, strong breeze, I decided to do our washing. I hung the first load out to dry on our whirligig backyard dryer. When I came out with the second load, I noticed that many of the clothes of the first load already looked dry. Delighted, I buried my face in a flapping sheet and immediately got an image of my mother doing this when I was a child. I laughed at her delight and mine. The sheet smelled fresh. She used to say, “Smell these clothes children! Aren’t they wonderful?!” I felt the other flapping clothes for dryness. I thought, “Do I love this?” I didn’t have to answer. I knew that I did. What delight in such a simple thing! What I had begun as a way of helping to reduce our carbon footprint brought me joy as well. Yet, never would I have thought of wanting to wash the laundry and hanging them out to dry.
This week, I’ve had a similar experience of joy while planting flowers—I know that many of you have as well. And when I get up in the morning and look out the window at spring’s splendid display—more delight. And then there are the birds. There seem to be more song birds than last year. And some of them go on and on and on. This is why we love spring—it arrests our attention! It brings us to the present moment, or the “precious present” as Timothy Miller expressed in the reading this morning.
I had been thinking of the phrase “want what you have” ever since reading a book by Rev. Forrest Church, the UU minister of All Souls Unitarian in New York City. You might remember that he is dying of cancer of the esophagus. Reflecting on his life, he came up with a mantra for living a happy life. It is:
Want what you have.
He tells us that wanting what we have dulls the pangs of endlessly craving those things and experiences that we don’t have, and probably couldn’t get, or shouldn’t get.
I’ve been unable to get this phrase—‘want what you have’—out of my mind. Just a few days after my washing day epiphany I went to the library and a particular book literally fell off the shelf and landed at my feet. It is called How to Want What You Have by Timothy Miller, a clinical psychologist. To further complicate this coincidence, Swami Yogatmananda’s talk last week was “Renunciation,” which turned out to be advice on cravings. Swami advised us to “renounce” cravings so that we can be happy. He acknowledged that cravings are part of human nature but trying to satisfy them is hopeless for we’ll just want more and more.
It is easy to see that Hinduism and Buddhism are of the same family of thought. Teachers of both of these religions counsel us to curb our cravings. So do modern psychotherapists. Timothy Miller tells us that therapists have been teaching people who are depressed, anxious, or fearful to change their thinking and that this is good advice for us all as a way to alter our cravings. But changing our thinking isn’t so easy. Miller strongly believes that we have to change our thinking from the heart, not just the mind, because real change has to be spiritual change.
It is time for a light-bulb joke or two: 1) How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: One, but the light bulb has really got to want to change. 2) How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have inner light.
Miller advises that in order to ‘want what we have’, we must cultivate three things: Compassion, Gratitude, and Attention (or the precious present, which we may also know as “mindfulness”).
All religions advise practicing compassion. In Christianity, it is “love thy neighbor” or “agape”. In Judaism, it is “chesed”. In Hinduism it is “karuna”, which means that which reduces the suffering of others. And in Buddhism it is “Metta”, or loving-kindness towards others. We all believe we should cultivate compassion but we are talking here about not just belief but practicing compassion in both thinking and acting. One example that Miller gives is when someone cuts us off on the freeway, we could get angry or we could have compassion for someone and replace our anger with an assumption that the other person has some urgent thing in his life that is causing the risky driving behavior. If we practice this replacement thinking often enough, we will soon stop judging others, which makes us narrow and likely to blind us to our own faults. Practicing compassion in this way will help us to see the goodness in others and see that one person is as deserving as another.
I once inadvertently cut someone off on the freeway. The other driver made a rather crude sign to me. I was horrified but I had the presence of mind to blow him a kiss! I understand from the police that the other guy could have become enraged and shot me! But, here I am.
Did you see in the newspaper yesterday that mental health professionals met with the Dalai Lama. (Boston Globe, 5/2/09) One of them asked him, what they can do to treat a man who has abused a child. The Dalai Lama paused and then replied that both the abuser and the child are equally in need of compassion.
If we truly practice compassion, being in the moment, and gratefulness our cravings for having more will subside and our ability to want what we have will increase. We will have accomplished not just a mental change but also a heart change, which is what is needed for true, deep down change to occur. Some people in our monthly Metta meditation (or loving-kindness meditation) class have reported that it has made a big difference in their lives. They are likely practicing compassion, especially for themselves.
Reducing our cravings doesn’t mean we will not strive for goals. It means that our awareness will be greater as to how much is enough. Perhaps it means raising our children with such awareness. How much sports, gymnastics, cheerleading and music competitions are enough?
It is one thing to reduce our craving for more things or wealth, youth, beauty, and so on, and achieve “wanting what we already have” but what if what we have is ill health? Most of us have some imperfection in our health but others have life threatening illnesses, like Forrest Church. I logged onto the All Soul’s website thinking that Forrest likely has an update of how he is. In his April 3rd letter to his congregation, he acknowledges that the tumors are growing again and apart from more chemo, little more can be done but says, “I have great confidence that we can maintain a vigorous battle….My spirits are splendid.” He wants to live as long as possible as well as accepting what he has.
He recently said in an interview, “One of the beautiful things about a terminal illness [is that] your friendships become stronger. Your loved ones become more vital and more present. Each day becomes more beautiful. You unwrap the present and receive it as the gift it is. You walk through the valley of the shadow, and it is riddled with light.” (Newsweek, 2/27/09)
It isn’t that Forrest wants the illness he has, it is more that he doesn’t crave what is no longer there for him—good health. He is certainly practicing compassion for himself and others; practicing mindfulness as he lives life while finishing what he thinks will be his final book; and gratefulness to the hilt. Meanwhile, he is taking the medicine that will extend his life so that he can live it fully, within limits.
Most of us have less serious illnesses and little annoying imperfections to contend with. So what do you think? Is it worth wishing things were otherwise and craving for what we cannot change? Or is it good to change what we can and accept what we cannot?
It is not only for ourselves that we must want what we have and reduce our cravings—though this will surely bring us more happiness and contentment. It is for the sake of our earth. We see across the world now third world peoples craving the abundance, perhaps grossly overabundance, we have had. Can we imagine what the air, water, and earth will become if the world’s poor use the earth’s resources as we have in the west? The satisfying of their cravings is just beginning. At least we can reign in or transform ours.
I’m not sure whether you will get so much joy as I do in hanging your washing out to dry. But perhaps you’ve reduced your craving for energy use in other ways. My craving for cookies is still a hurdle for me. Still, I’ll practice Compassion, Mindfulness, and Gratitude and perhaps instead of reaching for a cookie, I’ll take a carrot instead. May what we have be enough for us to live joyfully in the precious present.
Reference
Miller, Timothy, Ph.D. How to Want What You Have, New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1995.
A useful quote from Miller’s book:
“It is hard for modern people to be sure that desire is insatiable. Advertising and popular culture constantly tell us that lasting contentment can be attained. Just get a better wardrobe, another degree, a faster PC, a more stylish car, a nicer body, or a more attractive romantic partner, and you will be home free.…” (p. 25)
Note:
Miller talks about the biological roots of insatiable desire (in chapter 3), which helps us to understand the challenge of wanting what we have.
How to Want What You Have
by Timothy Miller, Ph.D.
This is the precious present, regardless of what yesterday was like, regardless of what tomorrow may bring. When your inner eyes open, you can find immense beauty hidden within the inconsequential details of daily life. When your inner ears open, you can hear the subtle, lovely music of the universe everywhere you go. When the heart of your heart opens, you can take deep pleasure in the company of the people around you—family, friends, acquaintances, or strangers—including those whose characters are less than perfect, just as your character is less than perfect. When you are open to the beauty, mystery, and grandeur of ordinary existence, you “get it” that it always has been beautiful, mysterious, and grand and always will be.
© The Rev. Ann C. Fox